I’m talking about the God-awful movie here, not the excellent book, which you should totally read if you haven’t. I gave the film a second chance, and I regret it. Here is a list of my thoughts as I watched this pile of garbage:
(SPOILER ALERT – If you still haven’t seen this movie…don’t. Read this instead and you’ll know why not)
1. Brad Pitt’s character sure is the consummate professional He takes a pause in the middle of all the chaos to note how many seconds it takes a guy to turn after being bitten. Not that he knows he will turn into anything, because how could he? But twelve seconds, because…well, hell if I know.
2. These zombies must be very carefully nibbling on their victims, because there ain’t a drop of blood on that guy. Nowhere.
3. Given the high number of white people and the lack of any distinguishable foreign accents, I assumed this was America. But all hell’s breaking loose, and there are no gunshots? Not a single one? Not even a guy shooting up the Starbucks down the street? Talk about stretching the suspension of disbelief.
4. We can totally get away with the whole asthma kid drama, right? Nobody still remembers M. Night Shyamalan’s “Signs,” right? Just like nobody remembers M. Night Shyamalan? Screw it, the kid has asthma. Action!
5. Oh shit, the car won’t start? What an original plot device. You know, come to think of it, from here on out, anybody using this in their movie should be dragged out and shot. Vote Crow, 2016.
6. Hey, the car started, but without any sense of drama surrounding it. Win?
7. A guy lets you in his home and gives you a beer, Brad Pitt, you could at least say “Thank you.” I don’t care if it’s Budweiser.
8. Newark falls, still not a drop of blood.
9. One “Quiet Please” sign could have saved all of Israel.
10. Yes, Brad Pitt, wherever you go, everyone dies. But without bleeding. Even that chick whose arm you cut off didn’t bleed. You can drop the F bomb once per PG-13 movie, but you can’t show a single drop of blood?
11. Couple of dried bloody scratches, and there’s…no, that’s just water dripping. Even the freaking chunk of shrapnel through his gut doesn’t bleed.
12. So they let him into their facility, patch him up, then don’t trust him at all. Why let him in in the first place? And could they not understand the girl’s accent enough to just ask her what was up over the course of three days?
13. They kicked his family off the ship the minute the plane went down? Thanks, Obama.
14. Yes, thank you, sir, for coming up with the most boring zombie movie resolution ever. We’ll just hide from the zombies. Great.
15. Oh no, the old crowbar stuck in the zombie trick. Whatever is going to happen?
16. You can’t punch a number in a keypad while holding your crowbar? It must have been slick from all that zombie goop on it. Wait, nope. None of that either.
17. And the ending, bringing to a boring close the most expensive and worst zombie movie ever. Okay, maybe not the worst ever, but they should be ashamed of themselves for getting an A-lister like Brad Pitt and still making such a terrible heap of crap.
Could you at least try to use something besides the name of the book you’re basing your movie on?